I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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