Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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