I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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