The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
