I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
