Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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