Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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