Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
