How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
