I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
