I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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