How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
