Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize