tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
