I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Is it because I queefed?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
