Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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