My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
