Don't make out with my wife yet
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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