my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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