dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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