call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
