Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
