but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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