I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
