Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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