Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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