well I can't set my house on fire every night
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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