the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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