i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
