The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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