At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
birth control should be required to get into college
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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