I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
