he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
