i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
