Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
