i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
