I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
