There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
