I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
