i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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