i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize