How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
