umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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