I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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