It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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