i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Mom said you looked used
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
