my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
