Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
