Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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