All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
