we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
