i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
and you fell through a lawn chair
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
