My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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