Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We left the knife in your bed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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