i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
